Trying to figure out whether I’m depressed or tired has just made me more tired/depressed. I don’t want to be the millennial complaining about every little thing and safe spaces and different genders and sub-genders and stuff like that.  I’ve been here trying to think of what the hell to even title this. Everything I’ve come up with just sounds needy and pathetic. Fitting. That’s pretty much how I feel most of the time.

The realization of  being alone hasn’t really hit me until recently. I remember. I’ve always tried to surround myself with people. I didn’t care who they were. I was a clown in my early school years. That, or a sidekick. Anything to get attention. I don’t know whether I’m nice, or just an actor putting up an act to get noticed.  Now looking back at my college years, I’ve realized I haven’t made many friends. Just people passing by in my life. They’d move on and I’d just be here. That’s another thing. I’m just here. Not going backward. Not moving forward. I guess I’m technically falling behind because I’m not moving forward.

It’s incredibly difficult trying to describe my life without  one, sounding like a needy brat who just wants attention, or two, sounding like a depressed individual who can make his life better, but chooses not to. I accept full responsibility and disclosure that yes, I am most likely channeling in both options. Even back in college I didn’t really have many people to talk with. During my first year, I would just sit nearby my classroom I had next for the three hour gap I had. I was just a wanderer. I still am. I didn’t mind it. I was used to it. I thought I was becoming my own person and that I would eventually find my way somewhere important in life, shared with people I love.

I’m working at a dead end job in retail. All I do is sleep, eat, somewhat write, and work. Maybe game. I still try to talk to people, but that’s been lessening. What’s the point? They either stop responding, or I have nothing interesting to say. I don’t blame them. I’d ignore me if I could, but I can’t. I’m pretty much stuck with me.

There are still things I look forward to. Like maybe a good bowl of soup. Most of the time, I eat alone. The only times I would eat with someone else would be with the two friends I would sometime eat out with, taking my grandma out for lunch, or eating sub-par mall food with my coworkers in a dirty break room. It may not be much, but it’s still something. I guess what I’m trying to say it could be much worse, but I still also wish it was much better. I guess I’m just greedy.

I can say with confidence I have two people. Two people that I can call friends I’m close to, and I probably would be much more of a mess if it weren’t for them. Thing is, they’re getting somewhere in life. I believe that I became friends with both of them because of the misery we had in the past and finding someone else to relay that to was comforting. That was what made us friends in the first place, and has kept that bond going. They’re getting new jobs, new places to live, new people to fall in love with. They’re getting somewhere. As for me? I’m still in the same place. Not knowing where to go. Who to go with. What to do. And that, that’s why I think the friendships I hold so dear with these two will close to an end eventually. And that’s okay. I won’t forget them, since it’ll be hard to forget the very few friends I had in the first place.

My grandma always said I had barely any friends, and I always scoffed at her when she said that. Yet, she’s pretty much right. Most of the time, I feel alone. I feel alone when I’m with people I just can’t see myself opening up to. It’s difficult. It’s difficult to open up to people and seeing them leave. Time after time.

I had this wall. A wall to protect not only me, but the world of whatever these feelings of anguish and despair. That wall has been shattered and now, I’m just an adult who sulks around and struggles even more when he tries to be happy, since it’s just so unnatural and it’ll just go away after a few moments. Just recently, someone I went to middle school with came to where I worked to interview me for some Youtube project he was doing. I remember him telling me he thought I was in special ed the first time he met me, because I would just act stupid and run around during break times. Years later after not seeing each other for years, he asked why I seemed depressed. That’s when I realized the wall I had was gone.

What brought all this up? I’m not sure. I’ve noticed myself trying to ignore a lot of people since I don’t see the point anymore. “Hey, how you doing? I’m good. Just relaxing, you know haha.” That’s most of the conversations I have with people, if any. You may say it’s me, and I would agree. I’m not much and even though I would grow emotionally upset from people, I never blamed them. Never blamed them for wanting to communicate with my likeness.

I can end this with some sort of message like “Appreciate everyone in your life before they’re gone” or “Don’t want more but appreciate what you already have” or some poppycock like that. I can’t. I also can’t say whether nor not my life will get any worse or better. All I can say for certainty is that I feel alone. That’s okay.

I’m like a soda bottle that’s being constantly shaken. The only catch is that the soda is flat.

Advertisements