nothing has been accomplished. I thought (or hoped) that after graduating college, things would look up a tad bit. Maybe get my own place. Become an famous and amazing writer. Share my life with someone. Nope.
I’m sitting on my bed typing with the light of my laptop being brighter than whatever my life is right now. Let’s be honest, you and me. I’ve always wanted to be those people I found myself being envious of. You know the ones. The ones who always wore a smile on their face while being surrounded by people. A spotlight always seemed to revolve around them, while I was just one of the many bystanders. I do not know exactly when or why, but I suddenly started to care what others thought of me sometime in middle school and turned myself from being an annoying kid who would never shut the fuck up and throw tanbark at girls to being that strange quiet student who nobody really wanted to partner up with in a group project. Now I’m just that adult (I can’t even say kid anymore) who just cannot seem to adult properly. That’s probably due to the lack of trying, though. I haven’t been trying for awhile. My work has suffered that, but I don’t really care. I’ve been sleeping more, due to exhaustion or having nothing to do. I’ve grown to be too tired for someone barely doing anything at all.
I won’t say everything is bad. Life isn’t all that bad. There’s always something to look forward to, however meager it is. My family has been okay with me being a failure to them, for the most part. Even though other cousins are supposedly having successful and happy lives, making a ton of money and creating new families while I’m just…here. I look forward to some things still. Like finding my cat whenever he’s not outside and petting his needy self. Or looking forward to buying groceries so I can attempt to cook. While writing this, I thought about making flatbread pizza. That’s nice.
I’m pathetic. Dear reader, let’s not try to sugarcoat anything I say. I can’t be positive anymore and say that life will get better one day if I just keep trying my best. I can’t see that happening. I’m too drained to even use my imagination. I’m just a loser rambling away on his PC at 11:32pm. There’s nobody I wish a good night to or greet with a good morning. There are people I can count with half a hand that I can still confide in and cherish. I know they’ll get farther in life with time and will eventually disappear. Like everyone else. I guess I’ve always been really terrible with relationships. We can try to delve and say the relationship problem may stem from being somewhat abandoned by my parents. That might explain why I’m so clingy and after a mere eight minutes of texting someone, I panic if they don’t reply back, which sends me into a spamming frenzy, resulting in them not replying back and me feeling even more horrible. I honestly don’t think it’s because of family, though. I’m just someone who’s way too clingy, emotional, anxious, apprehensive, and scared of life. As a PSA for anybody who’s reading this, do not take who’s truly there for you for granted. I’ve done that too many times and look where I am now.
This post doesn’t really have a clear point except for me to write about how I’ve been feeling. I thank anybody reading this and hope you can be more optimistic than me. Who knows, maybe in a year I might have something positive to write about. Let’s hope.