She was like a burn in my mouth that I never wanted to say goodbye to.

How do I write something I never planned on writing about? She came and left so abruptly. I wanted to say sorry . To say sorry that she wasted so much time on me. I didn’t, I couldn’t. I can go on and on about how stupid I was. How I was never good enough to even have cross paths with her. The reason I haven’t written about her was not because she expected I would and I just didn’t want to grant her the satisfaction. That was my idea at first. It was because I really didn’t want to her out of my life, and would rather forget about her than remember her. I can sit here and hate myself and go over and over on how I could have prevented it, but I’m too tired to do that anymore. Honestly, dear reader. I don’t think I did anything that wrong, but I can sure say one thing. I did fuck up.

All I remember is that it was near the end of February. She had gotten upset because I’ve become more quiet and I didn’t react to much anymore. Truth be told, I was just tired of life. But by then, it was too late. She walked out of my life as quickly as she entered it. And I didn’t do anything to make her stay. Maybe I should have.

I met her through a friend, of a friend, of a friend. Sort of complicated, really, but I won’t get into it. I remember trying to talk to her for the first few days. Boy, was that a hassle. She didn’t like me much. At least, that’s what I got. I don’t think she cared for me throughout the few years I spoke with her, either. She was good company, however.

Would it be too cliche to say I was quite fond of her? She was an intelligent, beautiful, sarcastic fairy that I always appreciated talking with. I still kick myself from time to time for not doing anything when she was single for the two or so weeks I knew her for, before she found a boyfriend. Not sure what I would have done different, though. I remember going balls to the wall with another girl a few years back. It was bad; really bad. I think I lost a screw back when. Even after she stopped talking to me, I would text her daily, and even count by the days since I met her. Yeah. It was pathetic. Creepy, too. Mostly pathetic. I still have that girl on social media stuff, but I’m too scared to talk to her. Maybe ashamed. Since then, I’ve just been sort of jaded to opening up to anyone else, because I can just keep talking and talking without any sort of context or reasoning. Not only do they get tired of it, but I do too.

I was sort of frightened by her. I was always watching what to say, since I was afraid she’d go off on me, or even worse, leave. But joke’s on me, she did leave. I did see it coming, though. I was too wary of her, and wanted to get closer, but couldn’t. If she’s half as intelligent as I made her out to be, she probably knew I had feelings for her. I wish she knew how much she meant to me, but I could never put it into words. Just someone to be by whenever I needed her. Like an app you always had on your phone, but is now gone. Or the same ice cream cone you’d always get from the ice cream truck as a child is now gone. Someone I was accustomed to just disappeared, and I have to just live with it, because she’s now gone.

She and I got closer over time. Well, that’s what I would like to think. We would always talk about our problems and stuff and always gave these awkwardly heart warming gifts. And cats. We both loved cats. There was one time where she gave me chocolate and I wolfed it down all in one day. But it wasn’t just the gifts. I just genuinely enjoyed her, and I would always think of her first whenever I had something to rant about. I still do to this day. I’m describing this as if she’s been gone for years or something. She hasn’t. It’s only been about two months or so. Let me tell you, these two months feel like so much longer without her.

One of the gifts she gave to me was Sriracha from Trade Joe’s, since she knew I liked spicy food. She gave me a lot of other stuff, but the sriracha means the most to me. I remember the day she sent me that farewell text; I was at the gym trying to make burn off the chicken dinner I had just made. I was going to open up her sriracha bottle and use it, but I decided against it because I was too lazy to get it. The bottle just laid in my room, and it still does to this day.  I had this whole plan to use it and tell her about it and send her pictures and blah, blah. But I didn’t. Maybe if I did, I could have avoided her leaving, but it probably would have happened some other day anyway.

I guess that’s all I have to say. I usually write about people I’ve lost and grew to hate. Just out of spite, you know? But with her, I couldn’t. I don’t think I ever could. I thought the cute nicknames and gifts would keep her in my life, but it didn’t. I couldn’t open up to her, but I wish I could. I don’t think I’ll ever open the sriracha she gave me. Maybe after a few years, it’ll turn into a magic potion or something, that will enable me to unfuck up and possibly bring her back. Probably not. Part of life is knowing when you should be letting go, and I’ve figured that out after years of trying to keep everything. I could have written all the emotional stuff about how much I didn’t want her to go and would do anything for her to stay, but that never works. She said I didn’t have a backbone, and I don’t. People I love are the ones I usually tend to lean and depend on.

 

 

 

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