Change is obviously inevitable. Don’t say change won’t ever affect you, because it will. Oh, it will.My problem is that I wish I could force myself to change into something better. I know what you’re asking yourself. “If you want to change, why don’t you?” Easier said than done, my fellow reader. Everyone I’ve known has had a major change in their lives. A former best friend who I was always with in grade school eventually became some karate expert, while working as a bodyguard for many malls. Oh, and he turned into a fuqboi, from what I’ve heard. The girl my grandma once spoke with in elementary school with is now happily married with a child. My neighbor is now recently in college, having adventures in a different town and enjoying his time there. I’m here, feeling the same, and the only change I’ve had was getting a job where I changed my name.
I don’t know what I’m doing with life. I really don’t. I barely look to the future and I’m always resenting my past. All I do is try to live for the here and now and hope that today won’t be as bad as the previous one. There’s no one to share my life with or just be with. Family just wants to see me successful and see me make loads of money, since that is the American dream. Well, at least their’s, anyways. I wish I knew what my dreams were, but I don’t.
I used to have that dream of becoming such an aspiring writer. Where flocks of people would hound over me with books and I would sign so many autographs that my wrist would hurt. Now, I just see writing as a chore. I see reading as a chore. I see everything I used to love just be a bother. Video games, television, people. All I’ve become during all these years was being compressed down into a shell of whatever I used to be before.That change is just watching my passion slowly burn away.
I just work, eat, and sleep. That’s all I’ve been doing. Of course, I will make a change soon and find a much better job than this retail job where some customers see it fit to treat you no better than the filth on their shoe. But for now, I’m just a crossroad, unable, or unwilling, to choose a path. I think that’s the problem with me. I despise change. I like being in my comfort zone with the things and people I’m comfortable with. Yeah, yeah. I should get out of that zone. Especially if I’m feeling so down. All this would sound like pointless banter. Unfortunately, I’ve grown accustomed to this. Over time, I’ve grown used to all the people passing in and out of my life. Where they would change for the better and I would just stay the same lonely, pathetic self that I am. Tears used to be shed, but now I just have bags under my eyes.
What am I trying to say? Well, I don’t know. I never really know what I’m thinking, and I’m even more clueless on how to explain it. That I’m okay with how I am right now, yet I wish something different would happen to me. I always thought I was a walking contradiction. That’s one thing that probably won’t change about me.